They did WHAT?
by Vampireme
Summary: Just a bunch of oneshots about the misadventures of the Cullens. Includes, Edward and a shirt of Doom, Truth or Dare, Twister, and Rosalie as a hobo. Rated T just in case
1. The Shirt

_**A/N**__ Yeah, this is a new thing I started. Just a collection of little oneshots. Suppose to be fun, possibly funny if you understand my humor xDDD Enjpy!_

_**Disclaimer**__: Now tell me, Do you think I would be on Fanfic if I owned Twilight? Huh? Exactly. P_

**Edward and THE SHIRT!**

BPOV:

"Bellllllllahhhhhhh!" Alice yelled from downstairs. I groaned, throwing the blankets over my torso and rumaged through my closet looking for something to wear.

"Silly Goose! Your clothes are on your bed!" Alice laughed. I sighed. That's Alice.

I looked over to my bed, finding a pair of jeans, that had patches over the pockets, that were black and red pokadots, and a red shirt. I pulled the clothes over my body, and darted downstairs, managing to trip atleast twice.

I found my angel waiting for me at the bottom.

"Hello Edward." I said.

"Hello Lo--" he stopped, doing a once over at my outfit. "Now, really is it neccisary to wear that shirt?" he frowned.

I looked down and blushed once I saw what my shirt said. It said, "Bite Me" in a fancy curly black script. I giggled. "Follow the shirts advice, Edward."

Edward sighed, but pulled me into his arms anyway.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Wow, that was fun. We, meaing me and the Cullens, all went to the mall. It was hilarious, Emmett managed to wiggle himself into a pair of high heels and walked around the store like that. **((Can you picture it xD)) **But I was home now, and changed into PJ's.

All of a sudden I smelled smoke. Holy Crow! I dashed up to my room, to find Edward leaning over a a candle with a bundle in his hand. He had an evil grin on his face as the bundle erupted into flames. He threw it on the floor and stomped on it.

"WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING!?" I yelled, helping me put the fire out.

He shrugged. "I told you I didn't like that shirt."

I sighed, opening the door to my closet to reveal a whole shelf of them, all in different colors, styles, and patterns.

"Oh Crap."

_A/N Yeah, it's not too funny, but imagine it. I think it's cute. Next up, Cullen Truth or Dare._


	2. The Dare

**A/N Woah, I didn't think this would get so popular. Thanks guys! PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE REVIEW!!!!!**

**Disclaimer: Stupid Stephanie and her Stupid Lawyers. They wouldn't give me rights (**

Truth Or Dare--The Mutiny

"Edward, you did not just burn a perfectly great shirt! It wasn't even out of style yet." Alice pouted.

Edward shrugged. "I didn't like it."

Alice huffed off into her room, with a very upset Jasper following after her. He glared daggers at Edward. "Now you made her mad." he accused Edward. "I'm coming Alice, dear!"

Edward chuckled, scooping me into his arms. I smiled. He grinned. Oh, how I could get lost in those eyes... "Bellaaaaaaah!" Alice shrieked. I groaned, Jasper's happy vibes must have gotten her. "What." I replied, a bit acidic.

"We're playing Truth or Dare."

I groaned again.

"It will be fun, love." my angel comforted me.

I shrugged. "Alright."

All the Cullens gathered in a circle. The seating went like this.

Jasper, Rosalie, Edward, Alice, Carlisle--wait Carlisle?

"I like this game." he defended.

So, Jasper, Rosalie, Edward, Alice, Carlisle, Emmett, Me, and Esme.

"You like this game too?" I arched a brow.

Esme shrugged. "I like to make my children squirm."

Oooookay. Moving on.

"Alice, why don't you go first?" Jasper asked.

"But, I wanted to go first." Emmett whined.

"I'm going first." spoke Carlisle.

"Everyone shut up. If anyone's going first it shall be me." Alice pointed to herself.

Everyone shrugged. Stupid Jasper, making everyone agreeable. It was starting to get into a heated argument!

"Bellllaaaaahhhhhh! Truth or Dare." she squealed. Oh god.

"Choose Dare, love." Edward smirked.

"D-dare?" It sounded like a question.

"Huzzah!" Alice shouted, high-fiving Edward.

Wait, what? They set me up!

"Bella, I dare you to..." she pretended to twirl a curly mustache. "Go out with Mike Newton and in the middle of your date, give him a back message while taping 'Imma Perv' to the back of his shirt. Then run away."

Edward whipped his head around to face Alice. "WHAT?!?!"

Alice smirked. "I changed my mind."

"OH DEAR LORD IM GONNA DIE!" I yelled.

Alice had already dragged me upstairs to get ready, Rosalie following in hot persuit.

"First you need to call him." Alice handed me the phone.

Ring.

Ring.

Please don''t be home.

Ring.

Yes!

"Hello?"

Oh Crap.

"Y-yeah hi, is Mike there?" I asked.

"Uhm...ya, it's me. Like Duhr." What the heck?

"Hi Mike, it's me Bella."

I heard a hand cover the mouth piece form the other side, he didn't do a very good job becuase I still heard a girlish squeal from the other end.

"OMC BELLA! I mean...yo."

Oh God.

"Hey Mike, I was wondering if you wanted to go out--"

"OMC YEAH DUHR I'LL PICK YOU UP IN TWENTY MINUTES. CULLEN'S PLACE, RIGHT? KAY LOVE YOU BYE." He blew kiss.

Rose and Alice cracked up.

Oh God x2.

Alice pushed me into the bathroom. "TAKE A SHOWER!" Jeez, okay okay.

I took a shower. Wheee.

"Now put this on." Alice handed me a mass of crud.

"Oh heck no, Alice." I pulled out a lime green tube top with black polkadots.

"It's part of the dare." she taunted.

I sighed, defeated.

"Oh and this..." she handed me a mini skirt, a black lace underwear set, and a black little sweater.

My eyes nearly bugged out of my head. I quickly got dressed and Alice did my make-up and curled my hair.

I gracefully walked down the stairs, not falling. HUZZAH! Edward's draw dropped. I smirked.

"Payback." I whispered.

He didn't seem to get it.

Oh just wait, eddy-poo. Just wait.

**I KNOW WHATS GOING TO HAPPEN, YOU DONT HAHAHAAHAHAHA!**


	3. Payback

**A/N: An the terror continues! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!**

**Disclaimer: -hatches evil plan to steal Steph's rights-**

**The Dare--and Payback**

Mike pulled up and knocked on the door a few minutes later. I groaned, and opened the door. His eyes immediatle fell to my exposed middle section, and worked their way up my body, stopping at my chest. "Getting all dressed up for me, eh?" he attempting to be suave. I forced a smile.

"Uhuh."

So let me break it down, we are going to see some smutty romance movie, the Cullens will be seated behind us, listening to us, I'll continue my dare, get out, and wash myself with lysol.

We arrived at the movies after an awkward car ride. We found our seats, I could here the Cullen's snickering. I looked at Edward, smirked, and looked back to Mike, but not before I saw Edward's face. He was confused. "What are you planning?" he mouthed. I just grinned.

Mike, being of no brain cells, thought I was grinning at him, and got that lusty scary look in his eye. I shivered. The movie came on, and during the kissing scene, I felt Mike's hand attempt to grab mine, I let him, imagining the look on Edward's face. I looked at him, and started to crawl into his lap, planting my lips to his. I saw Edward drop his jaw.

Let me tell you, Mike tasted like garbage on a hot day. Ugh! It was so terrible! I heard Jasper snicker, feeling my emotions. "Don't worry bro, she's not enjoying it." he whispered to Edward. Edward smirked, crossing his arms in a Oh-is-that-all-you-got? fashion. Drat.

I pretended Mike was Edward, trying to hide my emotions of disgust and transform them into enjoyment. I think it worked because Jasper's eyes widened, whispered something to Edward, and that smirk was gone so fast, I felt Mike's hands travl up my torso, unbuttoning my cropped sweater. I peeled it off. Edward's eyes widened and I threw my sweater at his face. I straddled over Mike, his hands trying to slide down my tube top, My bra was now halfway visible. I put my arms around his neck, not breaking his kiss, and taping IMA PERV to his back. I looked at Mike.

"Uhm...I gotta go." I picked myself off his lap and ran out the exit, leaving a dumbfounded Mike.

Edward caught up to me a minute later.

"WHAT WAS THAT?!" he yelled.

"You always told me you were no good for me...I think your right Edward, Im sorry."

His face contorted into pain, like someone stabbed him in the heart.

I flew my self at him, planting his face with kisses. "But." kiss. "I" kiss "Don't" kiss "Care"

Edward pulled away. "What?"

"Revenge is sweet, Eddiekinz." I giggled.

The Cullens heard our whole conversation.

"You go Bella!" Emmett wooped, giving me a highfive.

Rosalie even seemed amused.

Jasper raised a brow, "How'd you mask your emotions?"

I blushed furiously. "I kinda pre..." my sentance not audiable anymore.

"What?" they all asked.

"I PRETENDED HE WAS EWARD, SHEESH." I yelled.

Edward smirked again.

I slapped him.

Everyone's jaw dropped, they seemed to be doing that alot lately.

"That whole thing was for setting me up, Edward. Revenge is a Bitch."

Everyone cracked up laughing.

We were all seated in the car.

"Oh Edward, dear."

"Yes, my love?"

Emmett gagged.

"Truth or Dare?"

**A/N: THANK YOU!! NOW, REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW**


	4. LittleGayBoy

**A/N: Woah, Guys you all rock! I'm sorry I'm not replying to reviews...I've had alot on my plate lately ;D**

**I also don't have a beta, soooo...my spelling sucks. Ehehehehe.**

**Disclaimer: I have rights! -wakes up- Dang it.**

**Edward's Dare--LittleGayBoy**

Edward snickered. "Dare, love."

I grinned, and suddenly, Edward's eyes clouded with fear.

Excellent Smithers, Excellent ((DONT ASK))

Alice keeled over in laughter, literally falling to the ground, clutching her sides.

"Bella" Giggle. "YOU ARE SO..." Laugh. "EVIL!"

Edward got really scared. Jasper snickered, feeling his emotions.

"Oh wonderous love of my life, who set me up to make me go out with the vile Mike Newton, I must say, I think Payback is going to be a bitch." I smirked.

Edward cringed.

"I dare you to call Jessica to go have coffee with you and tell her your gay, and everytime she tries to hit on you, you have do the wave, got it?" I cried.

Edward's eyes widened. "WHAT?!?!?!"

"Oooooh! Do I get to dress him up, Bella?" Alice pleaded.

I nodded.

"YAY! COME ON EDWARD!!!" she squealed and dragged my fiance' to his doom.

He came down the stairs a few minutes later, and I exploaded into giggles.

"Think I over did the gayness?" asked Alice.

I couldn't speak, I was to over come by laughter and the hideous pink arguyl sweater and tan slacks that she had my love in. It was beyond hilarious.

Edward scowled as Alice handed him her cellphone. "Call her." he put it on speaker.

Ring.

Ring.

Ring.

Aw crud she might not be home.

Ring.

"Hello?"

Yessssss!

"Oh, Uhm hi is Jessica there?"

"Uhm, Lyke yeah this is Like Jessica who's talkin' anyways?"

Edward cringed at her bad grammar.

"This is Edward Cullen, I was wondering if you wanted to have coffee with me..."

"OMC LYKE YA I LOVE YOU EDWARD I TOLD YOU THAT YOU WOULD WANT ME. COME PICK ME UP, DANG IT!!" she blew a kiss and hung up.

It was at that point I exploaded into peels of laughter, along with the rest of the cullen house hold.

**A/N. I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS!!! BUAHAHAHAHA.**


	5. Edwards Dare

A/N: Here's another chapter guys. Yall need to review!!

Disclaimer: -insert something funny about owning Steph's rights here-

Edward's Dare--I'll make you straight

"Wow, Edward, this is like so much fun, I mean gosh, I new you actually loved me and like not that like Bella chicka." Jessica babbled.

I cringed, oh Bella was going to pay dearly.

I watched my family and Bella take a seat behind me and Jessica.

Bella gave me the 'Look' meaning it was...time."

"Jess-" babblebabblebabble. "J-Jess." babblebabblebabble "JESSICA!" I shouted, trying to stop her babbling.

"Uhm, like what?"

"Jessica, I wanted to tell you...I'm gay." I noticed Emmett was trying to suprress his laughter. "Infact, I think I'm in love with Emmett." That stopped him. "Just don't tell Rosalie."

Jessica nodded, shocked. She put a hand to my shoulder, I fought the urge to kill her.

"Oh, baby, I can make you straight."

I nearly broke down laughing, apparently Bella already did.

Was she hitting on me? Oh right, I did the wave.

Jessica looked at me wierdly.

"Uhmm...Okay...So...what do you think? Wanna go straight?" she asked seductively, winking.

I glanced at Bella, with a scowl and did the wave, then grinned. "Sure."

Bella's jaw dropped. Ooooh. Payback.

Bella thought it would be best to make an appearence.

"Oh, Edward darling, are you fibbing how your gay again? He was you know," she looked at Jessica, "But I made him straight." she wrapped her arms around my arm. The rest of my family were snickering. Boy, this girl was good.

Jessica looked startled. "Well, what if he likes me better?" she took hold of my other arm."

"Yeah, what if I like her better?" I asked, smirking. Oh wait for the face...

She just raised a brow. "Oh, well in that case, we're over." and she walked out, just like that.

A chorus of OOOOOHHHHHHS were heard from the Cullen table.

Oh Crap. Jessica was grinning like a maniac. My love was leaving me. My family weren't helping me. I lept out of my seat, ripping my hand away from Jessica. "No, my love, I love you best always!" Jessica made that HUMPH sound as I ran out on her. I caught up to Bella in the parking lot. "IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IMSORRY IMSORRY IM SORRY!!!" I whimpered.

"Man, shes got you whipped!" exclaimed Emmett. "You go Bella."

Bella looked down at me, since I was currently on my knees. "Well...I guess..."

"Oh thank you thank you thank you!" I smothered her in kisses.

When we arrived home, Alice came up with an idea.

"Who wants to play Twister?"


	6. Twister

**A/N: Guys, I need reviews...Oh and great chappie coming up next. **

**Disclaimer: Uhhhh...what? Oh yeah. No comprend-ay ze owning. Meaning, I own nothing.**

**Twister--Uh...**

"Twister?!" I shouted, appauled. Oh how I loathed that game.

It all started when I lived in Pheonix, Pablo, that new mexican kid, moved next door and his sister, Mariella, asked me to come over. She was like, three years younger then me, but I accepted.

"What colur?" she asked, gesturing to her paper fortune teller. ((I spelled color wrong on purpose)) I laugh at those now, seeing is how I have an actual fortune teller. CoughAliceCoughcoughhairballhack.

Anyway, Pablo decides he wants to play Twister. It wasn't until later I found out the reason why. That perverted little monkey merely wanted to watch me contort my body. His eyes never leaving my chest...or middle section...or legs...he pretty much looked everywhere he shouldn't have.

I shuddere, apparently Edward noticed. :Whats wrong, love?"

"Just promise me You won't watch me."

Edward looked confused for the moment, but nodded anyway.

The games began with Esme at the spinner. "Right Foot Orange."

Wait...there is no orange.

"Vampire rules, means you gotta put one hand red, one hand yellow." Edward explained. That didn't make any sense.

I believe we were half way through the game, Alice was eliminated from being to hyper active, she got disqualified for knocking people over with her bouncitivity. ((NEW WORD))

The positioning went as followed. Jasper was towering over Emmett, pinning him beneath him, though with Emmett's bulk, Jasper's finge tips barely touched the mat, he was prett much just laying on top of Emmett. Edward was somewhere mixed between the two, Me in Rosalie had our arms tangled together, and Carlisle decided he didn't want to play.

I was out next, Stupid Rosalie.

A little while later, after Rose got out, from seducing Emmett, after all they were positioned in a...compromising potion, things started to get intresting. Jasper was underneath both Edward and Emmett, Edward had his head beneath Emmett's crotch, which I found hilarious, and Emmett's face was two inches away from Jasper's.

They stayed like that for two days untill Emmett fell over, making all of them fall in the process. There was a loud crash and an "Emmett WTF!" from Edward. Apparently, he broke a table.

"YOU BETTER FIX IT EMMETT!" shrieked Esme. Well, it's time for Emmett to go to the hardware store...with all those power tools...I shuddered.

**A/N: Yeah it's short, but just imagine them in twister formations xD**

**Oh, and Emmett in the Hardware store will be based on real life expierience...some of it.**


	7. Hardware

A/N: And the long awaited, EMMETT GOES TO THE HARDWEAR STORE!! W00t!

Disclaimer: Steph is awesome, she owns Twilight, I am not awesome, so I don't own Twilight

Hardwear Store--

EmPov:

"Well, I guess I'm going to the hardware store now." I sighed, looking for my keys.

"Oh, going to the hardware store means...SHOPPING!" Alice squealed, already throwing herself into my jeep. Jasper followed her, muttering something about 'hyper active vampires'.

Rosalie sighed as she hopped into the front seat. Bella and Edward exchanged glances and squished themselves in the back, along with Carlisle and Esme, who proclaimed that we needed parental supervision. Pfft.

The car was extremely cramped, and since I honly had three seats in the back, Bella had to sit on Edward lap, Esme had to sit on Carlisle's, and Alice on Jaspers, though I don't think the couple minded all to much, while Rose and I sat comfortably in the front. Hahahaha Edward. Edward growled, reading my a mind.

I pulled the jeep in reverse, and flew out the driveway, at speeds that almost made Bella pee her pants. That would have been funny.

Anyway, the family appeared to be getting bored, so I cranked on the music.

Loud Metallica blasted through the speakers, scaring poor Edward so hard that he flew into the roof, leaving an Edward's head shaped dent in it. "EDWARD! YOU RUINED MY JEEP!" I turned around to face him and snarled. Bella squeaked, alarmed, and said, "Emmett, keep your eyes on the road!!" I looked back to the road and swirved, narrowly missing the semi, and glared at Edward through the rear veiw mirror.

Rose layed a comforting hanf on my shoulder. "It's okay, honey, I can fix it." I huffed.Edward should fix it, I thought.

------look a scene change------yippeeee---------stop looking at this thing! READ THE STORY----GOSH!

I walked into the hardware store in awe. So many shiney things stood on the shelves. So. Many. Buttons. I think this place was called Home Depot, maybe the sell de pot here? If they did, they should get arrested...

I looked down the aisles. I found one aisle full of these gleaming silver tubs of goo. I looked at the label, it said Behr with a picture of a little bear on it. Well, it's in a can, has a label, and has a bear on it, and me being the ultimate genious but three and three together to come to the conclusion this was bear soup. I ripped open the top of the can, and indulged myself in the bear soup goodness. Though it tasted nothing like grissley, maybe it was Norwiegian. Come to think about it, it tasted like the walls in my room when I tried to lick them...

"EMMETT WHAT ARE YOU EATING?" shrieked Bella.

I shrugged. "Really wierd Bear Soup...want some?"

Everyone broke out laughing. I relized what was so funny.

"Oops, sorry Bella, no wonder everyones laughing, I just realied you can't eat bear yet so...anyone else?"

And they kaughed even harder.

TO BE CONTINUED!


End file.
